When you go with your husband to the hospital ER to visit his dying grandmother, you hardly expect him to come out after visiting with his half-wit sperm donor to tell you he has a brother. Yes, you read correctly. Over his dying grandmother’s body, my husband learns that, “oh, by the way, about 8 months ago I was approached by this guy who said I was his dad. And don’t you know, he looks just like me.”
Needless to say, this rocked our world. My husband has always been an only child on that side of his family. His mom (being a smart woman), ditched the sperm donor and found a lovely man to marry. One who adopted my husband and then subsequently produced his sister, M. To learn that there was a man out there who was his brother was shocking. The fact that sperm donor had known for 8 months and not said anything was angering. Finding out that the brother knew about my husband and hadn’t reached out, bewildering.
After much conversation, we determined that the brother had no idea my husband had been adopted and so was probably searching for some guy with a different name. With a little sleuthing, we were able to track him down and start conversations. My husband is very excited and we are going to meet the brother this weekend.
My problem? Since all of this has occurred, my husband has withdrawn into himself. He had laid out a plan of action. He wasn’t going to tell his mom until we’d gone through the DNA process and had a definitive answer. But, as soon as I go out of town last week, the first thing he does is tell his mom and his sister. He does it without me. This hurts because I feel excluded. Then, his grandmother passes away and I take some time off to be with him. He tells me there is no funeral. But, this morning (as I’m again out of town on business), he sends me a picture of him and our kids dressed up to go to the funeral. His withdrawal and complete exclusion of me from all of this hurts terribly. As his wife, aren’t I supposed to be by his side? I tried explaining to him last week how I felt about being excluded from dropping this news on his parents and how badly it hurt me. To have him immediately follow that up with excluding me from the funeral just makes my chest ache.
If behavior like this had been a constant part of our marriage, we wouldn’t be married. I can’t exist with someone who doesn’t involve me in their life. I know none of us expect to find out we have a sibling at 42 years old – and that this has absolutely rocked his life – but my fear is that he’s moving down a path that doesn’t include me in it. And really, where does that path end? With a life where I’m not a part of? Because that’s what I’m afraid of and that’s why my heart just aches and aches with the choices he’s making. I want my husband back but feel like he’s on the other end of a call that keeps breaking up due to static – you can’t really understand what’s going on and continuing seems pointless.