One of the hardest things I face as a mom is looking my 4 year old N in the eyes, listening to his sweet voice tell me he loves me, and not see echoes of Z. Z was such a loving child, full of kisses and hugs. N is like him in many ways and some days, like today, it is so painful I ache with wondering where I went wrong. Where was it that I failed Z? What could I have changed to give him a better outcome? And as I hold N close to my chest and squeeze him extra tight, I can’t help but wonder if N will hate me too. Is my time with him even more finite than I thought? How long will he love me? I find great irony in the fact that I pushed myself so hard to succeed in life to provide my family with everything they need yet all of my successes mean nothing if my family isn’t happy. What has it all been for? And I lay here and just hurt as I worry about the future in ways I never knew I needed to when Z was my sweet 4 year old.

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